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I Might Have My Shit Together

It’s funny how people talk about “getting their shit together.” It’s like, does anyone reach that point of, “Hey guys, you know what? My shit is together. There is nothing more to be done here.” But after this year I feel like I’m pretty damn close. I may in fact have my shit together.

Pictured: a person who probably has her shit together. Photo by Tim Savage from Pexels.

I don’t know why this is coming up for me now. My emotions don’t alway process in sync with dates and anniversaries. But maybe it’s the approach of Rosh Hashanah. Maybe I’m hurtling toward a time when last year, I didn’t think I would make it to 2019, and wasn’t sure I wanted to. Maybe my body knows something I don’t.

A year ago I was terrified I would never feel happy or have any quality of life again. My brain was under constant assault. I described it to my dad as “traumatic stress disorder.” There was no “post-“. The worst fate I could imagine at that time was going through another day as bad as the one I’d just had.

In some of my absolute lowest moments, where I could not function cognitively enough to read a book, listen to a song, or play a computer game, I somehow managed to come up with the idea of hiring someone to coordinate my health care. I was scared that answers to my predicament might be locked inside me, and it would take some serious organization to pull them out. My dad found someone fitting the specs and now I have a patient navigator working for me.

Around the same time, a serendipitous discovery resolved my most distressing symptoms – not enough to work or exercise, but enough to not feel like I was being tossed in a washing machine at all hours of the day. Armed now with a few usable hours, I used them carefully, setting about what my friend Bethany calls “constructing a mental prosthesis.” I used the 7am-8am window to plan the rest of my day, since my brain could not function enough to make decisions the rest of the day. That very simple model grew on itself until I was generating daily to-do lists of upwards of 30 or 40 tasks…and going to bed with them all done. I started developing a detailed complex of protocols to make decisions for me throughout the day, with regular engineering to minimize “crashes” (which were just any time I had to make a decision on the spot, exhausting my reserves).

With a trashed working memory, I made it so the only things I really needed to remember were: look at to-do list app for what to do. Look at “Unscheduled Time” protocol if there’s nothing planned in the app. Write any new ideas or desires in the Notes App – my to-do list app scheduled regular time for me to look through these. For the first time in my life, I was following up on every new idea I had, sorting them into lists that I actually utilized. I was writing regularly. I was listening to new music every day. I was contacting a different friend or family member every day. My calendar every day was full of new adventures, albeit often very small ones that accounted for my frequent inability to comprehend a five-minute video. I learned that doing a very small thing is better than despairing that you can’t do a large thing.

And here you thought people won’t work unless they have to in order to eat.

I stopped getting trapped in wishing for what could be. I stopped wishing I was someone else and focused on learning to draw out the gifts I did have. I learned how to break the cycle of decision paralysis, though I often forget. The point is at least knowing how. I’ve learned lessons that I won’t soon forget.

I got in touch with all the people who I was scared my life was too lame for, and made sure everyone knew they were important to me.

I learned to ask for help once I needed help, rather than asking in a way that let on that I already knew the answer. Among other things, this led to actually asking writers to look at my work and to co-writing a play with my aunt.

I realized I could be as proud of the work I put into taking care of me as I had been of my work as a research assistant in the past. I asked my patient navigator to give me a co-author credit on the presentation he made about me for a conference. He said yes. I had, after all, essentially taken my own history for it, putting something like ten to fifteen hours into that part alone. All of a sudden, when I was at social gatherings, instead of saying I had been “working on my health” as usual, I could say I’d co-authored a scientific presentation. About myself! How cool is that?

I quickly found like-minded and like-bodied patients online and dove into that community, and was repeatedly overwhelmed by their kindness and ingenuity. I was surprised and amused by the access I had to prominent advocates I had admired from a distance. “Remember that filmmaker and that author I like?” I tell friends. “I talk to them every day now.” In fear and wonder I started properly nerding out about my medical condition instead of running from it. I fought self-stigmatization telling me not to identify with a life of illness, and wondered how people that brought me so much laughter and validation could be considered a problem.

I set tough boundaries with people around me. I stopped fearing being too much. I let myself be difficult and a handful sometimes. I realized that I was still easier company than the people running my country who made everyone in the world deal with their shortcomings. I stopped lying about how well I was and letting those lies hurt me and confuse others.

I watched my country and planet start the descent into fascist mayhem. I despaired over my government’s indifference to migrants and needed to do something. But unlike in my college years, I didn’t put disproportionate labor on myself in order to get activists to include me. I accepted that giving money can be the most strategic and sensible thing, if not the most gratifying.

I got my family relationships in order and taught my immediate family how to support me with my illness. We started replacing hurt feelings and resentment with humor, organization, and acceptance of conflict. I instituted weekly meetings for us to tackle the ins and outs of my medical care, and it turned out that my care is so much work that this was really warranted, probably from the beginning. I kept weekly assignment charts, and by my count we’ve gotten *forty-five assignments* done since our first meeting on June 14. The medical system is good at creating work for us! So is my body.

I learned that I am not synonymous with my feelings. I learned that objective observation can yield answers if you let go of the outcome you’re attached to. I stumbled upon mind-blowing insights by accident, in a spirit of science. I developed a “spidey sense” and sussed out problems in my medications and environment one by one. I gained my parents’ support as they saw that my suspicions were often correct. I let my body make the rules when medicine didn’t have a clear-cut answer. My body became the boss.

It’s just hitting me how proud I am. At my worst moments in 2018 I remember clinging desperately to a voice I thought I heard from the future that said, I can’t believe how well it turned out. I’m brought to my knees. I don’t know why I was spared. I know I can be a bit of a cheeseball about these things. But I really do make an effort to not exaggerate what happens to me medically. And I know in my bones that whatever I lived through last year was unutterably, intolerably bad.

I feel blessed and pinch myself every day and want the world to know. And yes, I am disabled and I need to bitch about it a lot. Both are allowed to be true. In fact, I think the latter allows the former to happen.

I came away from hell with the intimate knowledge that the human spirit in me, what makes me me, cannot be destroyed. It is worth protecting and caring for. And it also has its shit together.

Nora Helfand is a writer and former research assistant. If you like this blog, support her on Patreon here and follow her on Twitter at @nhelfand.

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Use It And Lose It

Writing and editing this piece revealed to me some defensiveness. There is a strong impulse to tell – my body does this and this is why – and not show. I think I might know part of why. It’s what I felt I had to do, continually, when friends, medical staff, and authority figures repeatedly failed to mirror to me the experiences of my divergent body, to show me that they were real. Perhaps I appeal to an invisible authority in my writing to hand down some explanations, some realness that I was not afforded. The experience of worsening with exertion rather than improving was so primary to me that I assumed everyone knew what I was talking about. I question what is real even now.

Photo by Lukas from Pexels

One thing I wonder if healthy people experience is the sense that activity is actively weakening you rather than strengthening. I have felt before that exercise was eating my muscles or brain.

I started noticing this in maybe my sophomore year of high school. I described it as the “gunk” I would get in my legs after track practice that meant I wouldn’t recover properly from the workout. I knew instinctively that if I rested and avoided running on hills, I would run better than if I did the hard workouts. I remember the almost ill feeling that would come over my legs as I slogged through an interval training session, and the dismay when I would be slower and weaker the next time I ran. My freshest legs and best race times always came at the beginning of the season. “She can run one week, but can’t the next!” my coach once mused.

Why wasn’t I assigned an easier workout regimen? Looking back, this idea seems reasonable. Yet I hazard that it would have run very counter to the culture of competitive running. The standard mantra of athletics (perhaps of society as well) seems to be “no pain no gain”; you push through pain to ultimately achieve resiliency and benefit. You certainly don’t ask for a special exception to be made when everyone else at your level is working so hard. My struggles were easy to typecast as, at best, part and parcel of the painful sport of running – or, at worst, a weakness of character.

When my coaches doubted the urgency of my body’s cries for relief and kept pushing me to do more, I began to question it too. I remember that during my more disastrous workouts, I would write parts of a poem in my head called “The Cross Country Coach’s Lament,” from the perspective of an anguished coach chiding an obstinate runner. “The time that on the clock does read / it matters not to me” is the line I remember the best. “You’ve surest longing in your eyes / yet run so _____ly.” (The adjective never got filled in to my satisfaction.)

However, when the stakes became higher than running a good race, I was forced to contend more seriously with this problem. At the onset of my severe illness, I became so intolerant to exertion that the effort of standing to watch part of my teammates’ race could mean I missed school for the entire next day. I was sleeping up to fourteen hours a day and was scared to shower, feeling that I would pass out. For someone who used to be able run a mile in under six minutes, this was a big shock. I had been diagnosed with celiac disease and inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), but the people I met in online support groups with these conditions didn’t share my “exertion intolerance” problem. Again I found myself the freak, but now I was even a freak among freaks.

The fatigue improved dramatically with biologic treatment for the IBD, but when I tried to gradually return to running the following summer, something seemed off. A leisurely 2- or 3-mile jog at 12-minute-per-mile pace would spike my heart rate to 180. I would finish with a lightheaded, beat-up feeling, and not experience my previous “runner’s high.” I had built up to this level of activity at what was, to me – a former varsity athlete – a painfully slow pace, having started with just walking one time around the block per day and increasing to two blocks when that got too easy. Why wasn’t I feeling stronger? Was this out of proportion to the deconditioning (medical-speak for loss of fitness after long periods of bedrest) that I experienced when I was very ill?

Life with chronic illness flies in the face of what we are told about our own resiliency. I do believe it’s important to try new things fearlessly as often as possible, but to also trust my body and know that it often worries due to very real past upsets. The various ways I’ve learned to protect my body – certain postures, avoidance of certain situations like standing in line, minimal hair and makeup products, saving mental energy by being a bit “rude” – are all very easily stereotyped negatively unless viewed with an open mind.

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Something To Hold Onto

I guess I want to tell you it’s getting better in some way. Maybe there are more superficial ways that will become more manifest in time. The physical therapist who had a plausible explanation for why I have failed over a year of pelvic floor physical therapy and thinks she can help. The fleeting, sputtering moment of clarity where I told my parents that I was relying on the executive functions of a mentally and physically ill 24-year-old with long-standing ADD tendencies to manage the care of a complex patient – the aforementioned 24-year-old – and we regrouped and got some help with care coordination. The unknowable time at which the anhedonia lessened and I could truly enjoy a few things again, for who knows how much more time. The support of parents who allow me to breathe a bit and stop being a full-time advocate who cannot advocate.

But I feel I do myself and others a disservice by romanticizing. For months I’ve been wandering a weird mix of trauma, hypersensitivity, depression, aggression, and brain fog, such that I often cannot even remember enough to describe how my day went but know in some vague sense that it was bad. I weather weird assumptions about my quality of life based on physical symptoms or labels, wanting to scream that I would cut off all my limbs if it meant I get my brain back. I have learned what it means to spend hours of a morning wracking ones brain for how to do a morning routine, then 10 minutes of that morning trying to attend to a 101-level lecture online, then the rest starting to go to the gym but being so agitated I have to get out. I have learned that maybe it’s ok that this is the first time I’ve felt able – as in, focus-wise, genuinely capable – to write a blog post since the last one. I have learned that even the fogginess isn’t so bad when your mind and body remember how to be calm. It seems not so long ago that mine truly did.

I have wielded diagnoses as a Something To Hold Onto, validation from a mystical board. Of course I don’t feel well, I inform you. I have celiac disease, Crohn’s disease, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, lichen sclerosus, secondary adrenal insufficiency, and mast cell activation disorder. All of these are real; laboratory tested. Yet it’s an armor against how none of this explains what is going on; why I sometimes find even good and pleasurable thoughts torturous, like fingers raking into lava veins of nerves; why I feel worse and worse mentally despite no major demands on me, some improvements in physical conditions, and few other life stressors; why I scream threats at loved ones and then minutes later am relaxed and joking; why I haven’t truly slept through the night since December; why even gentle medications or supplements often lead to agitation and dysphoria. I haven’t had a single break from reality through all of this, always excruciating awareness that I sometimes wish I had some escape from. I don’t want to see myself behaving as I do. I don’t want to see others wanting to reach out and to not have the heart to tell them that lately, company often makes things substantially, critically worse. Harder. On. Me. Not. On. Your. Ego. Insistence on what I know I need, attunement to a soma trying perversely to protect me, becomes paramount.

I both hope I remember and forget this time at some point. At times I’ve looked back at my early days of illness through Facebook memories and feel generally what I should; compassion for the person involved but great relief and wonder that I am not her anymore. How odd that now I would gladly trade my current situation for hers.